Siren Voices

The latest wheeze to emerge from Albia's Health Ministry (current proprietor Poynti Hoozatt) is a radical reform of the country's ambulance services(1). Given that the average Albian ambulance is famed for acting with all the speed, urgency and desire for promptitude of a foreign correspondent beng asked to pay his bar bill, it would take some skill to announce such a move without it being greeted with a chorus of approval. In the circustances it is a testament to Ms Hoozitt's abilities that the only choruses have been of puzzlement and concern. The most worrisome part of the proposals would appear to be plans to create a series of "superparamedics"(2) who will be empowered to treat patients at home. Given that (as I have myself experienced(3)) Albian hospitals are thought of as gigantic petri dishes for the cultivation of MRSA, this seems to me a very good thing, though I confess I have greater doubts about the plan to combine this door-to-door service with a pizza delivery franchise.

(1) It is perhaps worth noting at this point that the number for all emergency services in Albia (police, ambulance, fire, alcohol purveyors) is "666". Over the years, many have campaigned for a change to this number given its somewhat unfortunate connotations. Such campaigners have, nonetheless, always been outnumbered by those who feel that the number of the beast is entirely appropriate given the state of Albia's fire, ambulance and police forces (the alcohol purveying services are excellent).
(2) Judging by the reading matter of my fellow habitués of Vlotar's cybercafe, such paramedics will differ from normal paramedics in that they will be possessed of supranormal strength, X-ray vision or some similar power and will be marked out by wearing their underpants outside their tights.
(3) see The Great Escape, A Trick Of The Mind et al.

Runners And Riders, Fit The Third

The main item of news in today's papers (other than the somewhat less than smooth passage afforded the second reading of the government's identity card bill(1)) was Tuesday's celebration of the 200th anniversary of Albia's most famous naval engagement, the Battle of Lezstazkwehr, involving a re-enactment of said battle in the presence of Her Majesty Queen Dowdi by a series of pedaloes on a boating lake in a central Blizsta park. Given this paucity of real news, I feel now might be an appropriate time to turn once more to the question of the candidates for the Nyesti party leadership(2). The last major candidate is Nek Zkruff. The scourge of the unions as Health Minister, tough on crime as Home Minister, creator of an economic legacy as Finance Minister that Bragdny Door continues to live off even to this day, Mr Zkruff would undoubtedly have been elected party leader years ago were it not for the unfortunate fact that he - unlike most of his party - quite likes foreigners.

(1) for more on which see No I.D.ea.
(2) see also Runners And Riders, Fit the Second and Runners and Riders.

No I.D.ea

And so the issue of identity cards(1) has once more arrived at the Grevvitren, had its retina scanned and its fingerprints examined, and made its way to the floor of the Zkum. It seems that the government is determined to press ahead with the introduction of these cards notwithstanding that the true cost of obtaining the necessary data, issuing the cards themselves and purchasing the necessary equipment to check the cards is currently estimated at fifty-thousand pahnds per person. While Home Department sources have been happy to admit that the cards - which are expected (despite vociferous government denials) one day to replace passports and driving licences - are likely to have little or no effect in reducing illegal immigration or crime, they do point out that they are certainly not wholly without merit: given their enormous cost they will at least serve to improve Albia's balance of payments and reduce the pollution caused by air travel and vehicle use, given that thanks to their enormous cost almost no Albian will be afford to travel out of the country or own a car.

(1) those wishing to look at the history of these proposed cards are directed to Identifying the Issue, He Fought The Law, A Question of Identity et al.

Bang, Bang The Not-So-Mighty Fall

Due to the pressure of deadlines(1) I was not able to report on one of the most important ceremonies in the Albian calendar which occurred on Friday, namely the annual exit of Yan Tchowka from the Krezzigeng lawn tennis championship. Although the ceremony came rather earlier than usual this year, I am happy to say that it followed its usual course to the letter, with Mr Tchowka successfully giving his - admittedly demented - fans the impression that there was half a chance that he would win before throwing the whole thing away after several hours of desperate struggle. Along with the departure of other Albian (and, indeed, not-so-Albian in the case of Albia's imported number two, Urg Kanuck) players, the tournament will be able to complete the coming week safe from the thousands of lunatics dressed in assorted versions of the Albian flag whose sole purpose seems to be to boo anyone who successfully returns a ball from an Albian player, while giving a standing ovation to any Albian capable of tying their own shoes while appearing on centre court.

(1) not to mention the pressure to avail myself of the "happy hour" promotion the Bor Yt Hunza continues to operate, notwithstanding pressure from the government to end all such promotions in favour of "miserable hour" - a 60 minute period each day when all drinkers must sit and contemplate the wickedness of their ways.

Runners And Riders, Fit The Second

The other day, I began a quick rundown of the leading candidates for the leadership of the Nyesti Party. Given that the happy hour promotion at the Bor yt Hunza is ongoing, I shall continue that rundown without further ado ...

From the centre-ground comes Shadow Pensions Minister Horz Mikka Dulman. A Foreign Minister in Buff Pantz's government, Horz Dulman might well have become party leader in 1997 had it not been for the unfortunate fact that he lost his Dipfryde seat at the General Election. The main factors thought to stand against him are (a) his membership of the Pantz administration, (b) the fact that he lost his Dipfryde seat in 1997 and (c) the fact he is extremely dull.

In The Lion's Den

It takes a certain kind of man(1) to play the leading role in what I hope my readers will forgive me for describing as a major balls-up and then proceed to lecture everyone on exactly what went wrong. As a long time observer of Albian politics, I am happy to say that Prime Minister Schlop is just such a man. Notwithstanding his role(2) in metaphorically doing to the European Union what his wife, Grinni, tells us he does in reality to her at least five times a night, Mr Schlop today addressed members of the European Parliament on the need for Europe to reform. Readers can doubtless imagine the contents of the greater part of the speech, with its frequent references to Mr Schlop's passionate Europhilia, the threat from China and India etcetera, without my needing to go into any detail. The Prime Minister did, however, strike one confusing note when he suggested that the European Union faced the prospect of becoming "weak, directionless and irrelevant" - I for one must confess that I have no idea why the EU should want to join the Nyesti party.

(1) or, indeed, woman.
(2) more than ably abetted in this regard by M. Chirac and Herr Schroder (see Ever The Best of Friends).

Runners And Riders

I promised some time ago that I would bring my readers up-to-date with the candidates for the leadership of the Nyesti Party. Bearing in mind that there are only three Nyesti BGs who have not been put forward as potential successors to Zavlov Nizder, it would seem overambitious to give details of all those likely to put their names forward for the post. Accordingly I felt it appropriate merely to give a flavour of the contest by picking out a few of the main runners in the leadership race.

If one were to listen to the bookmakers(1), one would undoubtedly have chosen to place something more than an inconsiderable sum on the chances of Shadow Home Minister Dumazd Dumazi assuming Mr Nizder's throne. A former member of Albia's reserve special services (the AZZ) and thus able to break your neck with his bare hands but only at weekends, Mr Dumazi - while not generally seen as the brightest glass in the dishwasher - is believed to play extremely well with his party's "grass-roots" membership, although given that the average member of the Nyesti grass-roots is a 112-year-old, xenophobic, pro-hanging-and-flogging male presently seated in his hall with a shotgun ready to shoot the first burglar he can find in the back, this may not necessarily be a good thing.

From the "modernising" wing of the party(2), comes young Shadow Education Minister Bambi Nottinill. Besides the fact that his reluctance to say all foreigners should be electronically tagged on entering the country has inevitably distanced him from the Nyestis' hard-core supporters, his main problem is probably his youth. Mr Nottinill's rise through the ranks has been one of the fastest in recent political history and is seen by many as comparable only to the rise of former party leader Buff Pantz. As Mr Pantz's time as Prime Minister is best remembered for (a) the humiliating expulsion from the European Exchange Rate Machanism on so-called Puce Tuesday, (b) a tendency to privatise anything on sight and (c) the fact he wore his shirts tucked into his underwear, this is not seen as a good precedent.

Looking at the above, it occurs to me that this piece is in danger of becoming somewhat overlong (besides which I see that the Bor yt Hunza's happy hour started at least 15 minutes ago). In the circumstances, I hope my readers will forgive me if I postpone the rest of this piece until another day.

(1) generally a good idea unless they are trying to assure you that something is "a sure thing".
(2) ie the wing of the party that believes the key to power is to steal as many policies as possible from the Krep Party.

Trial And Error

As regular readers of this blog(1) will be aware, governments here in Albia (even the present government, despite being made up of members of what was once known as "the people's party"(2)) have always been somewhat suspicious of those who elected them, presumably on the understandable grounds that in doing so the electors have proven themselves gullible, dull-witted and likely to be won over by even the most outrageous lies provided they are accompanied by a pleasant smile and a promise to do away with governmental bureaucracy. The latest product of such suspicion is the present government's proposal to do away with trial by jury. Before my Albian readers gather up their bundles and prepare to flee the country, I should point out that this proposal - thus far - applies only to case involving "complex fraud", which are to be heard by a judge sitting alone. The precise nature of such "complex fraud" cases has yet to be defined but I am happy to say that opposition parties have already nominated several possibilities, including Prime Minister Schlop's absolute assurance three weeks ago that he would hold a referendum on the proposed EU constitiution come what may, the alleged existence of Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq and the whole of the last Krep Party manifesto.

(1) should such a species exist.
(2) ie the Krep Party. Thanks to the entertaining habits of leader Kiznya Schlop, the party is now generally seen as "the pop stars', right-wing newspaper editors', and c-list TV interviewers' party".

Ever The Best Of Friends

The European summit having, as I (along, I must confess, with just about every commentator) predicted(1), ended in failure and acrimony, the time comes to analyse the wreckage. Certainly it seems that relations between France's President Chirac and Albia's Kiznya Schlop have reached a nadir. The President's decision to depart from the usual diplomatic niceties is indicative of the sorry state of things between the two men, though not quite as indicative as the fact he chose to depart from those niceties by dropping his trousers and farting "God Save the Queen" in the manner of the great Le Petomane.

Despite the anger of the French and German leadership, Mr Schlop himself has been going around with a worryingly sunny expression on his face. It seems that he hopes to use Albia's upcoming assumption of the rotating leadership of the EU top push through his own "vision" of the European future, turning the continent into a mirror of Albia. Aides suggest he feels confident of success, so may I be the first to welcome the Germans to a world of iffy workmanship and skiving off, the French to a world of turkey twizzlers and green-belt development, the Spanish to the 8am-7pm day with fifteen minutes for a sandwich at your desk and the Italians to the complete breakdown of the family.

(1) see Something Nyesti in the Woodshed.

Something Nyesti In The Woodshed

With the EU summit in Brussels(1) heading at some speed into a very solid brick wall even as I speak, I thought I might take the opportunity to bring my readers thoughts back to one of the more forgotten and disadvantaged groups here in Albia, namely the opposition Nyesti Party. As ever, this has been a week of strife for the party, with Nyesti BGs rejecting leader Zavlov Nizder's proposals for electing his replacement (which are, in essence, that his successor should be anyone but right-winger, shadow Home Minister and grassroots favourite Dumazd Dumazi). Explaining their decision, members of the 666 Committee(2) said they wanted the largest stake in the election process, presumably pointed directly at Mr Nizder's unbeating heart.

(1) see Summit Up.
(2) this consists of all backbench Nyesti BG's. No-one is sure where the grouping got its name from, although many suspect it was given the title by a former leader with a rather low opinion of his fellow party members.

Summit Up

At last the point that any decent hack with an eye for a cliche and a short space before the deadline would refer to as "the moment of truth" has arrived, with leaders from all over Europe having winged their doubtless global-warming-inducing way to Brussels for the European Union summit. Given that the meeting is scheduled to last two days and that European negotiations tend to proceed at roughly the same pace as continental drift, I am reluctant to hazard a guess as to when there will be an outcome, let alone as to what the outcome will be. Bearing in mind the general animosity to Albia's European Budget Rebate(1), not to mention the determination of France's President Chirac to fight for French agriculture to the last breath of the last African farmer, I feel I can say that if Prime Minister Schlop manages to escape the proceedings with both his dignity and his manhood still intact I will have lost a series of fairly substantial wagers.

(1) see The Big Issues, Show Me The Money and The Rebate Debate.

Release The Balls

Many things have been said about Albia's governments down the years, almost all of them negative. It cannot, however, be said that the country's rulers are habitually anything less than sneaky. I was reminded of this point on glancing through my papers this morning, when I realised that yesterday, while everyone (including, I am sad to say, your own correspondent(1)) was distracted by the acquittal of singer Michael Jackson the government a a stunning smash and grab raid on the country's national lottery, the Nochanz. In essence the government(2) has chosen to consolidate several of the funding bodies which dole out lottery money into one organisation, controlled by the government, whose job it will be to spend lottery proceeds on things like hospitals, schools, care for the elderly, all of which sounds very laudable until one is reminded that those things are supposed to be funded out of taxation.

I am happy to say that I was able to raise this matter with a senior figure on the Krep party front benches. He suggested that the validity of my point was somewhat undermined by the fact that the Nochanz is a form of taxation, as should have been obvious to me on consideration of the following points: it takes money from a lot of people and gives it to a much smaller group of people (the government/lottery winners) who will spend it on supporting their luxurious lifestyles/carrying out good works (lottery winners/the government, though not necessarily in that order) and the only people who pay up are those who are too poor to afford an accountant.

(1) see The Big Issues.
(2) I say "the government", however I would suggest that if that the true mastermind of this raid was none other than Finance Minister Bragdny Door.

The Big Issues

Given that this country's Prime Minister was to spend much of his day in Paris, going - as my old friend Mr Rumsfeld would have had it - mano a mano with President Chirac over the thorny problem of Albia's EU budget rebate, one might have surmised that this topic might have been of more than minor interest to the Albian newspapers. Sadly however, they (along with all other news media) have chosen to overlook this apparently minor item in favour of the acquittal of the "popular" music star Michael Jackson. Many have been moved by the pitiful sight of this unnaturally pale and suddenly frail figure, surrounded wherever he looks by sinister forces out to do him down, although as I re-read this sentence I realise that I may have been thinking about Nyesti leader Zavlov Nizder, rather than Mr Jackson.

Show Me The Money

Following the events of last week, Prime Minister Schlop has repeatedly stated that he will go whatever distance is necessary to ensure that Albia is not forced to give up its EU budget rebate. Although this statement was generally accepted at face value(1), no-one expected him to put it into such literal effect as he has today by ending up in Russia. Many will claim that Mr Schlop was merely carrying on his round of visits to world leaders in the run-up to the K9 summit(3) but who can doubt that his real purpose in popping over to see the former KGB man was to arm himself with the very latest in "persuasion techniques" prior to visits to Gerhard Schroder and Jacques Chirac?

(1) somehow Mr Schlop's words are almost always taken at face value at the time they are uttered, however often they turn out to be completely and utterly untrue. Young Vlotar, who as usual has been helping me out with this "blog", has a theory that whenever one of the Prome Minister's statements turns out to be lacking in veracity the whole of Albia somehow takes a leap into an alternate universe where the incorrect statement was never said(2).
(2) How this can be I cannot say, especially as Vlotar's planned illustration would have involved some chap called Schrodinger placing a cat in a box and bombarding same with radiation - something my dear wife Ylatea would not countenance on the grounds that the carpet might be stained.
(3) see Aiding and Abetting and Popping the Question.

The Rebate Debate

It would seem, judging from recent Franco-German communications, that Albia's decision to "postpone" any referendum on the proposed European Constitution(1) has gone down rather less than well with the other members of the European Union. Certainly, it cannot be usual for Prime Minister Schlop to insist on a bodyguard consisting of not less than 2,000 handpicked troops, each sworn to die rather than let a hair on Mr Schlop's head be harmed(2) simply to appear on stage with the President of the European Parliament. However it was the presence of just such a bodyguard that enabled the Prime Minister to announce today that Albia has no intention of giving up its 5 billion pahnd EU rebate, won for Albia back in 1985 by former Nyesti Prime Minister Barmi Ruuffah, when she succeeded in defeating Helmut Kohl and Francois Mitterand by two falls and a submission respectively. Mr Schlop defended his position by pointing out that, unlike a country such as France, Albia receives very little money from the EU to support its agriculture and infrastructure, although this is admittedly due to the fact that eight years of Noy Krep Party government have left Albia with very little of either.

(1) see A Long Shelf Life.
(2) a considerably easier task these days now that Mr Schlop's head has rather fewer hairs on it than it once did.

A Test of Faith

Albia's Home Minister Mr Ruud Eerz, a man who has surprised us all by maintaining the furious rate of activity that has become the stock-in-trade of all modern Home Secretaries despite having a figure better suited to spending at least 19 hours a day recumbent upon a sofa in string vest and boxer shorts, has today announced the return of the controversial bill to outlaw religious hatred first announced by his predecessor and present scourge of the poor, the jobless and the halt and infirm Work and Pensions Minister Fanatik Loon. I am glad to say that the original furore over the proposed provisions has abated to some extent, due in no small part to the considerable efforts Mr Eerz has put into assuaging many of the fears expressed by their opponents. Many had feared that the bill might prevent them from performing such everyday acts as loathing the Prime Minister, the Leader of the Opposition or indeed any other politician to a degree approaching religious fervour, being aimed rather at those who wish to incite hatred of persons based on their religion. Given that the bill seems certain to pass into law, I am advised that Albia's police are taking action and have already seized a number of collections of inflammatory texts which suggest the most awful punishments for persons professing certain religions, although these have, somewhat unfortunately, consisted almost entirely of the holy books of other religions.

5 Ring Circus

Looking back over recent entries I note that I have not yet taken time to remark on the extraordinary degree of celebration here in Blizsta at the report from the International Olympic Committee evaluation commission on the quality of the various bids put forward to host the Olympic Games in the year 2012. This seems a pity as the various street parties, aerial displays and the like which have resulted from the commission's decision to describe Blizsta's own bid(1) for the games as "not as utterly abysmal as we previously thought" and as having "slightly more than a snowball's chance on a sojourn in the infernal regions" have certainly been the highlight of the week. Indeed, I would happily enlarge upon the details of these celebrations were it not for the fact that my own enthusiastic participation in the same (all in the line of duty, you understand) has led to an inability to do significantly more than direct myself towards the smallest room in the house and remain there for some time, contemplating the exceeding rapid rate at which the world seems presently to turn.

(1) whose support for which has already led to my awarding Prime Minister Schlop the Yan Tchowka Award For Hopes Falsely Raised Only To Be Inevitably Dashed (see All Shall Have Prizes)

Aiding and Abetting

With the K9 summit(1) of leaders of the greatest economic powers(2) - not to mention Zwari Mowthov's Live9 popular music concerts(3) - looming, Prime Minister Schlop has whisked himself off to Washington for talks aimed at persuading President Bush to take steps to ameliorate the present plight of many African nations. As regular readers will know, I have been fortunate enough thanks to my time in America in the 1970's(5) to have acquired a number of contacts in the present US administration and they assure me that Mr Schlop's visit will by no means be fruitless. Indeed I can say with some confidence that I expect Mr Bush to announce several major concessions to African leaders, not least of which is that he will absolutely refrain from invading any of their countries (unless and until any of them should cease co-operating with the major peacekeeping groups in the area such as Exxon, Shell, Texaco, BP &c). He will also pledge to significantly increase the amount of US aid going to Africa, although this will have to wait until he can find that envelope the nice lady from Christian Aid left at the White House last Tuesday.

(1) for further mention of which see Popping The Question.
(2) with the addition of Albia to ensure the presence of someone to pass round the tea and biscuits.
(3) again see Popping The Question. I should note at this point that entry to the concert can be obtained by "texting" the answer to a rather straightforward question(4) via one's mobile phone. I fear that my own attempt to obtain a ticket (all part of my journalistic duty, my desire to witness a performance by Makka Thumzup, Motel Twinki or Buhz being slightly less than my desire to nail my nether regions to a wall with a rusty nail) may have gone a little awry - rather than obtaining confirmation of my entry to the ticket lottery I seem instead to have ended up with a picture of what appears to be an ungenerously endowed and bicycle-helmeted amphibian, much given to emitting a series of noises of a type I last heard during an unfortunate incident on my dear wife Ylatea's family farm in Frelsveorthig with a vat of potato-based cider ("Zkrumpi"), an electric fence and a tupping ram.
(4) to wit - "Do you want to stand in a park in central Blizsta on what will undoubtedly be the rainiest day of the year bar the Krezzigang Men's Tennis Finals watching a bunch of superannuated, all-white popstars whose careers have been in permanent decline, give or take the odd tribute to dead princesses, ever since 1986?"
(5) when I had the privilege of covering the Nixon administration. I should note at this point that I must admit that I did have some suspicions that former FBI Deputy Head Mark Felt was the man known to Messrs Woodward and Bernstein as "Deep Throat"(6), though at the time I put his constant nocturnal trips to underground garages whilst swathed in a trenchcoat down to an interest in the kind of more unusual extracurricular activity so beloved of those in power (and indeed of tabloid journalists looking for a front page splash).
(6) I do regret - as I feel sure they must do now - the pair's decision to use the title of a pornographic film as his pseudonym, how much better if they had followed my own suggestion of "Farewell to The Planet of The Apes"

A Long Shelf Life

In what was seen by all as an inevitable move, Albia's Foreign Minister Vort Blinki appeared in the Zkum today and - pausing briefly to pick himself up off the floor after blundering shortsightedly into the despatch box - announced that he intends to shelve the planned legislation enabling an Albian referendum on the proposed European Constitution(1). A brief word with a couple of my old contacts within the Grevvitren enables me to add to this that the actual shelf on which the legislation will be placed is located in a small, padlocked cupboard within a disused nuclear bunker on a remote island off Dipfryde from which the public have been excluded ever since it was used to test anthrax bombs in 1952. In the circumstances I feel relatively confident in suggesting that the likelihood of this government holding a referendum on the EU constitution is slightly lower than that of opposition leader Zavlov Nizder being sighted tucking into a bulb of garlic. Mr Blinki did not, however, say this on the grounds that to do so might upset the French and the Germans, reasoning already being attacked in the media as grossly unpatriotic, given that upsetting the French and/or Germans has been the Albian stock-in-trade for approximately 1,000 years.

(1) for coverage of which, see Nee, Nee and Thrice Nee, Popping the Question, No Means No, Je Ne Regrette Rien and Just Say "Non".

Read On

Regular readers of this column, blessed as they are with enormous intelligence and percipience, will quickly deduce just how exciting a day it has been here in Albia when I inform them that the chief matter of note is the government's plan to review literacy teaching for children under the aged of eleven. There are, as I undertsand it, two schools of thought with regard to the appropriate educational methods to be used in training our children to read. The first school favours a technique called "synthetic phonics". What "phonics" are and how they can be synthetic I have no idea, but I understand that this system boils down to the the kind of old-fashioned "A is for Apple", "B is for Bloody Shut Up Or I'll Be Forced To Beat You Again You Dreadful Little Child, Dear Lord I Wish I Had My Womb Ripped Out Before I Gave Birth To You" teaching I had as a child. The alternative school of thought, and the one currently in favour, is the one which involves producing such a large number of illiterate children that eventually there will be no-one able to read the outraged headlines in Da Heyt about our falling literacy standards.

Nee, Nee and Thrice Nee

And so, as expected, the Dutch have delivered a resounding "nee" to the proposed EU constitution. This crumbling of the long-discussed new European framework might be expected to afford Albia's opposition Nyesti party a chance to shine. That they have failed to do so is due in part to the undestandable reluctance of "differently-alive" leader Zavlov Nizder to associate himself with any verb potentially indicative of solar illumination but equally to the fact that its BGs are far too busy jockeying for position in the race to replace their opera-caped head man to do anything so mundane as oppose the government. At this point my readers might wish to know a little more about the personalities involved in this race, and I can assure them that they will do so ... just as soon as I manage to identify a single participant with a personality.

Meanwhile, I regret to inform you that the (fantastically well-organised, enormously sagacious, witty, charming and undoubtedly sexually potent) people at Her Majesty's Revenue Customs and Revenue Service have come under fire after revelations that nearly 2 billion pahnds worth of Finance Minister Bragdny Door's beloved family tax credits have been overpaid. These credits were intended to support jobless families with dependent children. I understand that the chief source of the 2 billion pahnd excess was a mistaken credit to the Royal Family.

Popping The Question

As we await what seems an inevitable "nee" from the Netherlands as it votes on the proposed EU constitution(1), the main news here in Albia is the announcement by one-time "punk" musician and present day saviour of the universe(2) Zwari Mowthov of a series of popular music concerts timed to coincide with the upcoming "K9" summit of world leaders to be held in Dipfryde in July and aimed at "raising consciousness"(3) with regard to poverty in Africa and, I am sure wholly incidentally, thrusting a number of the erstwhile famous back into the limelight.

My regular readers may well suspect that I am not perhaps the person most fully au fait with the popular music "scene" but I can assure them that even I am cognisant of such luminaries as Motel Twinki(4), ex-Kopz member and rainforest campaigner Buhz, the band Vapid Noodlingz, and former Eerwig Makka Thumzupp. There is even a suggestion that Albia's favourite girl-group The Herb Girls may reform. Indee Mr Mowthov spoke at length to several members of the band this morning, all of whom sounded very positive about the idea (my sources tell me that the ex-Herbs did raise some questions but as these were all "Do you want fries with that?" I see little to stand in the way of a reunion).

(1) see also No Means No, Je Ne Regrette Rien and Just Say "Non".
(2) a position I understand he holds in rotation with someone known as "Bono" from "U2".
(3) whatever "raising consciousness" is supposed to mean.
(4) whose charitable work extends to the support of several leading figures in the hair-replacement and floristry industries.