Official Notice

The UK Broadcast Internet News Service regrets to announce the temporary suspension of its Albia Correspondent, Hugo Kent, following his drunken rampage through St Gozondor's Square, Blizsta. While we here at UKBINS accept Mr Kent's statement that his behaviour was the product of "(a) the birth of my beautiful daughter Vlotara(1)and (b)Albia taking a 2-1 lead in the Dregz plokkij matches against Cobba" we have been driven to the unavoidable conclusion that the main cause was his decision to drink 29 pints of potato-based alcohol. Accordingly, Mr Kent will remain suspended pending further inquiry, which inquiry is expected to conclude in October.

UKBINS wishes to apologise to all those who have been caused distress or anxiety by Mr Kent's actions and in particular to the owner of the two small puppies he attempted to use as "comedy earmuffs".

Harriet Harkness, Head of News, United Kingdom Broadcast Internet News Service

(1)It is understood from Mr Kent that the events leading up to the birth of his daughter are set out in previous entries: Grounded Down, Wedded Bliss, On The Mend, Good News Everybody!

Grounded Down

The news dominating today's headlines here in Albia is the grounding of all AA(1) flights out of Sheecatch (Blizsta's major airport) following a strike related to - of all things - in-flight catering. It seems that the airline felt it had no choice but to ground all its craft flying from the capital after passengers - finally driven to desperation by years of spongy bread, foldable crisps, spiceless curry, lettuce leaves so limp they require crutches and assorted pale grey items masquerading variously as fish, meat or, as the case may be, dessert - decided to down suitcases and absolutely refuse to fly until some actual food was placed aboard. Given that Jammi Dikkins was apparently unavailable (doubtless either on another healthy-eating crusade or earning billions from a new Sharezbury advertisement) to whip up something tasty, I fear that the strike may well be a lengthy one.

Fortunately, I myself will not be among those staying put. The latest communication from young Vlotar (currently seeing to the needs of my dear wife Ylatea in her family home in Frelsveorthig(2)) indicates that the time is almost at hand for the birth of my firstborn and I must away to her side. As ever I would hope to be able to keep my readers up-to-date with goings on here in Albia (and, indeed, the details of the impending birth) during my time away, but given the state of the technological infrastructure out in the provinces, I would not advise anyone to expect a communication before the end of next week at the earliest. Until then, adieu.

(1) Ayrlijns Albiansk (Albian Airlines)- Albia's national air carrier. Its abbreviated title "AA" has led to confusion in the past. Indeed, a journalist pal did once turn up - admittedly somewhat the worse for wear - to a flight under the assumption that he was attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. He refused to be deterred from this belief - whether by the air safety procedure being explained, being forced to strap himself into a seat of a size normally associated with the crating of veal calves, or by the vast amounts of alcohol he was offered (and freely accepted) during the flight - indeed it was only when he sobered up some three days later on the floor of a Kyrgyz yurt that he began to realise his error.
(2) see An Aside.
(3) see Wedded Bliss, On The Mend and Good News Everybody! &c.

The Bitter Bite

Once more it seems that I have started something of a trend. Only yesterday I was railing against the judiciary here in Albia and now I find others leaping to join the attack. The latest to climb on the bandwagon (an activity at which he has become more than adept over the years) is Nyesti Party leader(1), Zavlov Nizder, who has launched a savage attack in a column in Da Pijjonpost on "unprecedented judicial activism" interfering with the will of parliament. It would seem that, notwithstanding the recent bombings(2), both Mr Nizder and Prime Minister Schlop(3) now see the judiciary as the greatest threat facing Albia. Indeed many Albians quiver abed at night, fearful of the men in silk stockings, red dressing-gowns and full-bottomed horsehair wigs who stalk the streets viciously insisting on upholding the rule of law and cruelly protecting the human rights of citizen and non-citizen alike. After all, if our judges insist on going around preventing people from, for instance, meteing out cruel and unusual punishments to others, what hope would there be for another series of Albia's version of Big Brother or the ever popular I'm A Nonentity Get Me Out of Here?

(1) for the time being at least.
(2) see A Meeting of Minds, The Police That Passeth All Understanding, Missing in Action, It Lives, Usafe from USAF and Blizsta Can Take It.
(3) who is, to judge from the tabloids, currently spending his holidays working on the urgent matter of increasing his risk of melanoma.

In the Drink

Not for the first time and likely not for the last, I find myself appalled at the front page of an Albian tabloid. For once this is not a piece in Da Dul comparing a minor sporting engagement between the Albian and German football teams with a major engagement in World War II, nor a headline screaming from the front page of Da Tytz that "asylum seekers are eating our Royal Family". Rather the cause of my outrage today is a piece in Da Heyt, claiming that senior members of the judiciary and chief police officers have attacked the government's move to license public houses to serve alcohol 24 hours a day. Their claim, as I understand it, is that this will lead to an unprecedented explosion of violent crime on our streets and in our homes.

I have to say that I find this suggestion from our legal authorities utterly outrageous. In my experience people drinking in public houses is only in the rarest of cirumstances the cause of violence. Knocking over somebody's drink, glancing at someone's female companion, possessing a funny face - these are all causes of violence, but drinking? No! Indeed I think it is fair to say that at the time the violence occurs drinking has almost always stopped. This is admittedly chiefly because it is extremely difficult to batter someone to a pulp whilst one has a pint in one's hand but nonetheless I feel the point holds. In the circumstances I would suggest that rather than seeking to limit our drinking time the authorities should instead insist that anyone who enters an Albian establishment where alcohol (potato-based or otherwise) is served should not be permitted to leave that establishment until they have drunk sufficient quanities to render themselves unconscious. This is certainly my usual practice and it is one that has kept me well away from any violence (though not, I have to admit, from falling asleep in gutters, dustbins, atop park benches or on the fast lane of motorways).

Traitors Gated

As I am sure you are all aware, the government here in Albia will stop at nothing (save that is for avoiding going to war with Islamic countries) to deal with the present terrorist threat facing the country. The latest move in this war on terror(1), is the threat to charge those who counsel potential suicide bombers with the crime of treason, a crime which had hitherto fallen into desuetude. This lack of use was perhaps because so many readers of tabloids such as Da Tytz, Da Zennofob and Da Heyt apparently believe betrayal of one's country to include such venial sins as being able to speak a foreign language, falling to expose ones buttocks at every opportunity when walking around any formerly picturesque Greek resort during the hours of darkness and failing to attempt to "glass" anyone with a non-Albian accent, with the result that almost anyone would be guilty of the crime of treason. In any event, the last person to be charged with the crime was Horz Ti Hi, the infamous wartime traitor who broadcast to Albia from his base in Germany for much of World War Two. Even today there are many for whom his Horzship's customary opening words "This is Schleswig-Holstein calling, this is Schleswig-Holstein calling" still cause a shiver to run down the spine.

***UPDATE***

A senior government figure has just announced that it is "extremely unlikely" that the government would seek to use treason charges against militants, further asserting that the idea is a "non-runner". a status which - judging by the girth of the average Albian - it shares with most of the country's population.

(1) A war incidentally, which certainly hasn't prevented successive Home Ministers and other Ministers of State seeking to scare the shi ... the living daylights out of their citizens at every opportunity.

Foreign Affairs

It is with some sadness that I must report the death of one of Albia's greatest parliamentarians, the former Foreign Minister, Ronni Nome. Such sadness is not merely the understandable regret at the premature demise of a man of ability and wit but also the product of the fact that Mr Nome was thought by most to possess the last spark of intelligence in the whole of the Zkum. A lifelong member of the Krep Party, Mr Nome followed the traditional path to the party's inner circles taken by natives of Dipfryde, quickly being caught in a lifelong feud with Bragdny Door the cause of which neither could ever remember. Moving steadily through the party ranks over the years, he cemented his reputation in 1996 with a devastating attack on the Nyesti government of Buff Pantz over the Oates report into the arms-to-Iraq scandal(1) - a brilliant off-the-cuff speech which he had carefully prepared over the preceding two months.

Following the landslide Krep victory a year later, Mr Nome was rewarded by the new Prime Minister Kiznya Schlop with the post of Foreign Minister, where he introduced a new oxymoron to the Albian language in the form of an "ethical foreign policy". In other areas he proved himself more a traditionalist, proving adept in handling foreign affairs, most of which he conducted with his then secretary, leading ultimately to divorce and a second marriage. Following the 2001 General Election he was rewarded for his efforts by the Prime Minister with a move to the ancient and noble post of "Keeper of the Grevvitren Stationery Cupboard", a post from which he resigned in 2003 on the eve of the Iraq war, delivering himself of a resignation speech whose skilled delivery and powerful message were only slightly marred by the fact that it failed utterly to change anyone's opinion.

(1) This scandal involved the prosecution of certain Albian citizens for exporting of the arms of shop window mannequins to Saddam Hussein's regime. Apparently they were actively encouraged to do so by Albia's "intelligence" services. Why they did so is, quite honestly, anybody's guess.

Sorry

No time for an update today: just discovered the Bor yt Hunza hasn't got its application for an alcohol permit under the new Licensing Act in yet and there are only 24 hours left. Emergency action required.

Dum Dum Dum Dummi-Doowah

Were there any doubt that Mr Dumazd Dumazi had great hopes of succeeding Zavlov Nizder as leader of the Nyesti party they were surely dispelled by his article in yesterday's Pijjonpost(1) in which he condemned multiculturalism, attacking the willingness of our modern society to permit certain of its members to develop in a culture wholly separate from the rest of the country, rather than promoting the "common values of nationhood". Those on the so-called "political left" will doubtless be keen to condemn Mr Dumazi but I for one say that we should all recognise the bravery of his statement. For years many here in Albia have been aware of the presence of a band of men and women whose mediaeval values(2), ancient prejudices(3) and weird costumes(4) have caused considerable concern to ordinary Albians. The fact that such people are, almost to a man, members of Mr Dumazi's own party shows just how willing he is to make a real break with his Nyesti past. For this I feel we should all salute him.

(1) This ancient institution has for decades been the newspaper of choice for the typical Nyesti party voter. It is perhaps due to this that an estimated 46% of its readership is thought to be technically dead.
(2) such as the desire to "string up" anyone found guilty of a crime worse than littering.
(3) such as against people with strange accents, different coloured skin or a tendency to read Da Garindua.
(4) by which I refer to any article of clothing that might be deemed suitable attire on a golf course.

The (Extremely) Thin Blue Line

It seems that the recent terrorist attacks(1) have left Albia's police forces overstretched, with several leading officers warning that the men and women under their command have little or no time to deal with "everyday" crime across the country. These warnings were, unsurprisingly, the cause of considerable initial distress to the country's law-abiding citizens(2), although they were soon dispelled when it was remembered that it is apparent from the statistics that solving crimes has never really been much of a priority for Albia's police. Nonetheless it is clear that the police, particularly here in the capital Blizsta, are having great difficulty dealing with the task at hand. For one thing, this being the height of the holiday season many parts of the country are filled with tanned youths carrying rucksacks: it is difficult to imagine the strain that will be felt by the average police officer as they try to avoid shooting such persons as potential terrorists. Indeed, I am advised that the Home Office has already prepared a statement of condolence to be delivered to the ambassadors of Australia/Sweden/any other country from which backpackers tend to hail, just in case.

(1) I refer my readers, yet again, to A Meeting of Minds, The Police That Passeth All Understanding, Missing in Action, It Lives, Usafe from USAF and Blizsta Can Take It.
(2) although it is worthwhile pointing out at this juncture that given the attempts of successive Krep and Nyesti Home Secretaries to outdo each other in severity, almost everything bar breathing is a crime in Albia and almost everyone in Albia is, as a result, a hardened criminal.

No Surrender

Given recent events(1), one might have supposed that the news from Trubbld of the TAI's decision to put an end to what they term "the armed struggle"(2) (a phrase chosen presumably on the ground that it tends to make decades of bombings, disappearances, beatings and such like sound more like an episode of "Jeux Sans Frontieres") might have afforded a small ray of light to an otherwise overcast scene. Indeed, for many that is exactly what it has done. For Yon Tartan, leader of the loyalist LSD(3) however it appears to have been the cause of apoplectic rage(4), leading to an outburst (unaided, thankfully by any electronic amplification) of such volume that many nearby windows were blown out and several local inhabitants are believed to have been rendered permanently deaf. The particular cause of the Reverend Professor's outrage is the government's decision to knock down all its watchtowers and halve the number of its armed forces in the troubled province. This last has, indeed, been a cause of some concern to many: after all, if they are not wandering rifle in hand through the streets of Bomd, where else will Albian troops get to train for the vital task of intimidating Iraqis?

On another note, it seems that I have - for once - been somewhat ahead of the game. Indeed, yesterday's report on Prime Minister Kiznya Schlop's decision to remove himself from the political fray has now been followed up by the ABC, which has led its news bulletins with claims that Mr Schlop is to give up his role as a BG and will not be standing at the next General Election. What the ABC failed to disclosed is that, despite his supine state on that day, he plans to rise again three days later.

(1) see eg A Meeting of Minds, The Police That Passeth All Understanding, Missing in Action, It Lives, Usafe from USAF and Blizsta Can Take It.
(2) see The Heavy Hand of History.
(3) Lojjalist Sozyety Demokratik.
(4) In fairness, discovering that someone has squeezed his toothpaste tube in the middle is a cause for apoplectic rage when it comes to the Reverend Professor.

The Long Goodbye

It has been a long time now since Albia's Prime Minister, Kiznya Schlop, announced that he would not be taking his Krep party into a fourth general election and longer still since many political observers (not least among them the "close friends and associates of Finance Minister Bragdny Door"(1)) first predicted he would soon be replaced by Bragdny Door(2), yet until now we have had little or no indication of what the soon-to-be-quondam Prime Minister would do after quitting his post. A report in today's Garindua, however, at last provides some clues as to Mr Schlop's preferred career path.

Many had assumed that Mr Schlop would go on to take some significant political role matching his interests while in office such as President of the European Union, Head of the UN or First Lady of the United States of America. Instead he has let it be known that he is keen to quit politics altogether to do something relevant to his religious beliefs. Indeed, I understand he has already taken to wandering through his Quaffing Ztraht apartments in a long robe and sandals, addressing the more intimate members of his circle as "my child" and attempted last week to raise the famiy's pet hamster from the dead. At what stage he plans to fully reveal himself to the public I cannot say but it is certainly rumoured that his next trip across the waters of the Albian Channel may be made on foot.

(1) This phrase is a term of journalistic art, normally meaning "Finance Minister Bragdny Door".
(2) Indeed, such predictions were first made by the aforementioned "close friends and associates of Bragdny Door" about ten minutes(3) after the pair's notorious meeting at the "Watterijse" restaurant during which they divided up the leadership of the Krep Party.
(3) This is, admittedly, a slight exaggeration: the predictions were not made until after the rohypnol in Mr Door's wine had worn off.