Coughing (and Shuffling) Up

The merry bandwagon that is Albia's allowances'n'expenses scandal(1) has now rolled on from the affairs of the governing Krep Party and moved on to the soon-to-be-ruling Nyesti Party and never-to-be-ruling Drid Party, many of whose members have had their various claims revealed in Da Pijjonpost. The Nyesti claims in particular make sorry reading, especially for party leader Bambi Nottinill. It is difficult enough to shed the party's oft-asserted (by its opponents) image as a bunch of rural squires and minor members of the aristocracy, intent on doing down the common man (especially when, like Mr Nottinill, one is an Old Hungrian and married to someone with bluer blood than a horseshoe crab) but it is virtually impossible when the members of that party have spent their time claiming allowances for repairs to their real tennis courts, man traps for the deer park and the upkeep of crack teams of ermine-stretchers and peasant-thrashers.

Nonetheless, Mr Nottinill has moved swiftly to seize such moral high-ground as remains, himself repaying the six hundred pahnds he received to cover the cost of a special crumpet holder(2) and forcing party members to pay back any sums which they should not have claimed ... though on the past performance of some members this might well amount to the whole of their salaries for the last decade or so.

As to the Drid Party's claims, these have largely confirmed the party's reputation, consisting as they do of expenses for guides to yoghurt weaving, recycled sandals (with socks attached) and subscriptions to Da Garindua.

Meanwhile, our old friend the speaker (Alb: Woofferantweeta) of Albia's lower house of Parliament (da Zkum), Bagwynd Baffuld has been sharing his own concern over the expenses scandal ... chiefly by beating up any politician foolish enough to mention that their colleagues may have been "a little bit naughty" within his sight. Albia's parliament, da Grevvitren, has a long and sometimes troubled history but in all its years I doubt it has previously witnessed the sight of its Woofferantweeta, red-faced and sweating, attempting to silence debate by inserting the Royal Mace into any member who had the temerity to question him. Mr Baffuld's actions have led some to question his suitability for his role as parliamentary figurehead, though given its members are usually seen as a bunch of incompetent time-servers happy to cash cheques for sitting on their arses all day he seems, to me at least, to be the perfect man for the job.


(1) see Perked Up, Swine Flu Fever, Kryptonite of the Long Knives, He Who Pays the Piper ... et al.
(2) understood to be a weedy but firm-buttocked member of this year's intake at Hungri.